Creation, Creativity, and the Creator

Post by Jeff:

It seems every few months or so I have an existential crisis. Which doesn't seem normal or healthy but keeping it to myself doesn't seem to help, so I might as well blog about it. Mostly it has to do with a lack of patience with myself and a narrowed perspective. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in all that the prophets have taught since Adam to Thomas Monson. I am confident that I have the truth, for I have not found any other philosophy or religion that comes anywhere close to making as much sense as the doctrine taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and for the most part living the gospel and having a family and all that makes me very happy.

What is hard for me are the hours and hours that I have to spend during this life completing mundane and tedious tasks, (driving, cleaning the kitchen, entering information into the computer, etc.) when I feel such a strong aspiration to do something more. I want to create something original. I want to make a contribution. I want to change the world! But, I can't even change myself. I try. "I am going to exercise every day." And I do for a while, until almost imperceptibly I stop and before I know it I am feeling lethargic and tired and fat. "I'm going to read my scriptures every day." And I do for a while, until almost imperceptibly I stop and before I know it I am feeling spiritually malnourished.

And this is where the existential crisis comes into play. WHY? Why should I exercise? Why should I read my scriptures? Why should I go to work and work all day every day for the rest of my life? There are obviously very practical answers to these questions. I need to exercise so that I can reap all of the physical and mental health benefits of exercise. I need to read my scriptures in order to maintain my faith. I need to work so that I can financially support myself and my family. I have met people who have given up on life. People who just sit around all day smoking one cigarette after another, with nothing to look forward to and nothing as far as I can see worth living for. I don't want to do that. It's not that I want to give up, it's that I want to do something more.

But what? What do I want to do? What could I possibly do that would fill that need? I've thought a lot about this question, and I have a few ideas. I'd like to write a book or maybe create a work of art. I'd like to build a useful invention or create an organization that really helps people in need. I'd like to become the expert at something or write a song that everyone knows and loves. The only problem is that I have to clean the kitchen first. I need to take Mo for a walk. I need to read my scriptures. I need to go workout. I need to go home teaching.  I need to get this work done. I need to pay this bill. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need a break.

To be honest though, lack of time, energy and money aren't the only limitations. And this is perhaps the most discouraging thought: I feel like I can do a lot of things okay, but I don't feel like I do anything at the level that  I would like to be able to do it. Maybe this is how most people feel. It's certainly how most people are. Mozart may have been an incredible composer, but he probably didn't paint as well as Michelangelo.  Michael Jordan may be generally considered the greatest basketball player of all time, but does that make up for his failed marriage? If one is to be the best at something, they must devote themselves completely to that one passion. I don't know that I need to be the best at something, I would just like to be better at the things that I try to do.

I can't imagine anyone is still reading this, but let me give you some examples:

This is a bench that I am trying to create. It looks okay, but the legs are all chueco and I'm just not sure it's all going to come together. I could have posted some pictures of equally flawed wood, clay, stain glass, and art projects. 

This is a song that I practiced and practiced so that I could play it at a recital. I  performed it okay, but it wasn't flawless.  I made lots of mistakes. I could have put a picture of so many other songs here that I feel the same way about. I even started writing a song once, but I never finished it. 

This is probably the only book I will ever publish. I wrote and illustrated it myself in 4th grade.  It's okay, but there are blank pages right in the middle of it and lots of typos. I have written a lot of papers, poems, and posts that I feel good about, but like this post, I feel like it could be better or that it shouldn't have taken me so long, etc.

And in the end, I arrive at the same question: WHY? What is the purpose in creating? Especially when our creations are so flawed and pathetic in comparison to those of the Creator. I can think of a lot of scriptures to answer this question, but I don't want to make this into a sermon. I've done this more for my own reflection than anything else. Surely God wants us to be inspired by his creations. But inspired to what end? I don't think it is just to show off. I think what God is saying is that there is more to our existence than simple maintenance. That he wants us to create like Him. That it is through the process of creating that we become like Him. To that end I make reference to the one creation I have no embarrassments about, although I don't know that I can take much credit.

Nichole has heard this rant many times in various forms and I always come to the same conclusion: The best thing I can do is to just keep trying to do my best everyday to be a good husband and father, to excel in my career, and to follow the example of Jesus Christ. If I do this, eventually I will be able to look back and feel that I spent my time on that which was most important and created a beautiful life and family. And who knows, maybe I will do something truly great. I'm only 29!