Sleep, parenting,and letting go of expectations

I swear I was a better parent before I had kids! I always knew just what to do, and what the parents I was criticizing (in my head) were doing wrong. I know. I was horrible. Or even when we were absolutely blessed with an amazing sleeper in Abigail, I somehow thought it was because I was a super great Mom! Well, don't worry I have received what was coming to me in the form of first a colicky newborn, and second a toddler that refuses to sleep at all costs. Whether it is a just a two year old exerting her authority and refusing to go to bed, or a sudden bug phobia in the middle of the night, or a thunderstorm, or having to get up multiple times in the night to go to the bathroom, and then not being able to fall back asleep, Abi has really given us a run for our money. Even two months ago when she was having a little trouble, I would have been able to give you advice on how to encourage your child to get good sleep by using a sticker incentive chart. Now that sad sticker chart (still on Abi's wall) and all of the hopes of a good night's rest for all of us remain unfilled. I have racked my brain on what to do, and what I have done wrong with Abi for this to be happening (couldn't spend too much time there, though) and nothing has really changed. I know that one day Abi will sleep in her bed and make it through the night, and this will all be a distant memory.  I am ok with not getting awesome sleep (and am so grateful for Jeff who takes turns with me) and I feel like all of the varied experiences with both Abi and Emily are making me into a better person and helping me be more flexible and focus on the most important things in life, and giving me more patience. At least most of the time I am ok with it. But I had to let go of my expectations first. Expectations are wonderful, but when they get in the way of you finding the blessing in your current circumstance, that is when you just need to let them go.

Pumpkins

Last year we went as a family to a little pumpkin patch hosted by a Christian church here, and my memories of that day are so fun. Abi was at such a cute stage, and was so easy to manage. Jeff and I were getting plenty of sleep, the weather was beautiful, I was probably in the best shape of my life ( it was not too long after my marathon), and pictures turned out so beautiful, and I keep one on my fridge because I love them so much. So this year we let time slip away from us, and finally made it out after naps last Saturday. Boy it was a different experience. We had not slept the night before (sleep really has become a rare thing around here), it was hot, and Abi was so hard to manage, needed to go potty right when we got there, it stunk like rotting pumpkins, and Emily kept spitting up everywhere, and eventually became fussy because she needed to sleep again. Whew!   I think you can tell by our forced smiles that taking two kids (one of whom is 2) to events and trying to get a decent pictures takes alot of the fun out of things. It was a little comical as you could see pretty much every family there going through the same thing.  We did manage to get some pretty cute ones, that I will probably create an idealized memory from and want to go again next year by the time October rolls around again.

 Okay so this picture is an epic fail, but I had to include it, because it's pretty hilarious.Emily is so huge in comparison to Abi (and it's not really like Abi is small). We put emily on Abi lap and told her to hold Emily and she usually is very sweet and responsible. This day she totally just let go of Emily. So this picture is of Emily holding herself up just because of her sheer size. Don't worry, I came to her rescue.

And our carved pumpkins! We got them from a food co-op this year, and they were cheap and perfect. Not to thick so they were pretty easy to carve. I got the idea from Pinterest to use metal cookie cutters to hammer shapes in the pumpkin, and it was AWESOME. So easy, and it turned out pretty cute, I think.

Goal: Complete

Two years ago around Christmas time, we answered some questions for Jeff's sister to put in a photo book for Jeff's parents. One of the questions was about goals we'd like to accomplish in the next year. I said, doing big batch freezer meals cooking, donating my hair, and running a marathon. Once I set a goal and really commit to something I really hate to not follow through. I ran the marathon and did the huge batches of freezer meals. And now, finally almost 2 years later my hair was long enough to donate. My hair grows slow. So here it is. 

Before the cut:

 After the cut

It took a long time to grow, and just like that it is done. I love the short easy hairstyle. As part of growing my hair longer than I have ever had it before, I wanted to try to get better at styling longer hair. So, I taught myself how to curl it with a straightening iron, and a couple of simple updos. It was a great experience.  Both with my marathon and this experience, I have found a lot of joy in pushing myself to new heights, and achieving my goals. In this era of  vanity and pressure on women to look/be a certain way I have found it really liberating to set goals for my body that don't have image around the center of the goal. I really feel like our body is a blessing that is to be enjoyed and taken care of and used to bless other peoples lives as much as possible. I used to engage in this vicious cycle of agonizing over that way I looked, (or rather the way I didn't look) and trying to find a way to make myself look like something else. Somewhere along the way I realized that no matter what I do, or what clothes I wear, or what hairstyle I have, I will still look like me, and so I had better learn to like me for me or else waste my life wishing I looked like someone else. 

What it Means to be a Real Hero

           This morning around 4:30 AM I awoke to what sounded like a person hitting their hands against our door (not knocking, but as thought they had just run to the door and were only able to hit it once before being pulled away). I also heard the sound of a woman’s shrill screaming and a man’s voice arguing and yelling. This was only for a moment though and it was all muffled by the sound of the soft rain. Flashes of lightening and claps of thunder had been periodically pulling me briefly out of sleep all night. Plus, I had only been asleep for about an hour after having spent 45 minutes dealing with two frightened and crying girls. Although there was now silence, and I am not one to jump out of bed at every unusual sound, I had the terrible thought of someone being attacked outside, screaming for help, while I just stayed in bed because I was too sleepy to get up. Then I heard the screaming and yelling again. This time I was certain that I was awake and not dreaming. I immediately thought of our neighbors across the street.

            A month or so ago while talking with one of our other neighbors, she mentioned that the night previous the woman two houses down had been beaten up pretty bad by her husband. Apparently she had come running out of the house all bloody, knocking on another neighbor’s door begging him to call the police. Incidentally this neighbor apparently has a gun, which he did not need to use that night, but I am glad that he had in his possession as he is an older man undergoing chemotherapy and would not have been able to defend himself or the battered wife. It made me think about the fact that we do not own a gun, but I fairly quickly decided that I would like to keep it that way. I was glad that our neighbor let me know about the situation so that I could keep an eye out for any trouble. I imagined, as I’m sure most guys who enjoy action movies do, allowing the wife to come into our house as I stood firm in the entranceway defending her. I imagined having to fight the man and him cowering away once he met with someone who could hit back.

            Nichole often cringes at my enjoyment of hand to hand combat in movies. It’s not that I enjoy violence. I abhor senseless violence and am actually very disturbed by scenes in movies or books where the bad guy kills or harms innocent people. But “violence” justified by the defense of the weak and innocent or for the preservation of freedom is something that strikes a cord of excitement and vindication that resonates to my very center. This is why I enjoy superhero movies or any book/movie with good guys fighting bad guys. I think the idea of being a hero; of rising up in a situation where a wrong is being done and making things right resonates with most people and that is why this is the usual formula for a good story. I think the ultimate example of a movie that fulfills my hero fantasy is “Quigley Down Under.” If you haven’t seen it, check it out.

            As I am prone to do in any critical examination of an issue, I started to consider the application of the scriptures and gospel teachings. The use of physical force to defend the innocent is amply justified in the scriptures and by the brethren. Think of all of the battles told of in the Book of Mormon and Bible where the Lord is clearly on one side. We are told that “if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Captain Moroni” (a man who spent his whole life fighting and killing in the defense of freedom) “then the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever and the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.” That’s quite a statement considering the fact that Captain Moroni was not the most diplomatic guy. He didn’t mince words. He didn’t like to negotiate. He knew what was right and wrong and he had no tolerance for those who wanted to call good bad and bad good. His response to the draft dodgers of his time was capital punishment. His response to the terrorists of his time was to “arm even the women and children, follow them into their own land, and give them battle even until they are destroyed from off the face of the earth.” His response to political leaders who weren’t doing their job was to “smite them with the sword, so that they can have no more power to impede the progress of the people and the cause of their freedom.” Imagine such an approach today. The justification of physical force to defend others is clear.

            And yet…Jesus said, “blessed are the peacemakers”, “agree with thine adversary quickly”, “resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” ,“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” Alma and Amulek submitted themselves to be tortured and then stood by and watched as women and children were burned. Thousands of Lamanites willfully lay down before their attackers and were killed, leaving their wives and children widowed and fatherless. Jesus permitted himself to be scourged, mocked, tortured, and crucified.

            The scriptures and the teachings of the gospel are full of seeming contradictions like this and it is something that really fascinates me. It is what I believe to be one of the “mysteries” of the kingdom that Christ talks about. How is it that God never changes, and yet things definitely change in regards to what we are supposed to do? I’ll just throw out a few examples: birth control, marriage, priesthood, substance use, and gender equality. I believe that God has always intended for us to have children and provide for them well, to be faithful in marriage, to honor the priesthood, to keep our bodies healthy, and for men and women to treat each other with love and respect. However, as I am reading the Old Testament currently, things were definitely different back then, as they were different in New Testament times and in the 1800s and as they are now. I think things just keep getting better and better. That is why we need modern day prophets. That is why whatever the brethren say today, trumps whatever someone said thousands of years ago. Maybe in Old Testament times the adage “spare the rod, spoil the child” was the closest the Lord could get to explaining the fact that you need to teach your children what is right and wrong. 

            That being said, I think that the use of force and domination to enforce the desistence of force and domination is inherently flawed. You can’t expect someone to change by doing to them what you don’t want them to do because 1) It undermines your moral authority; 2) It leaves them without an example of how to behave another way and 3) It breeds resentment. This is why I don’t believe in spanking. How can you teach your child to not hit and yell when that is exactly what you are doing? Despite what millions of nay saying, stubborn, frustrated and desperate parents will say, modern day research clearly backs up the fact that spanking is ineffective. I don’t care if that’s what your parents did and you turned out just fine. I don’t care if it seems to be the only thing that works. There is more to raising a child than temporarily extinguishing annoying and troublesome behavior. I believe there is no more powerful weapon than love. As cliché and wimpy as that may sound, it is absolutely true. Courage is not punching a guy out when he gets out of line. Courage is asking how you can help and showing him that although you hate what he is doing, you love him. It is forgiving him over and over (at least 490 times) just the way Christ has forgiven you; just as Christ has forgiven me. 

            After realizing that someone really was in trouble, I jumped out of bed and went to the window. I saw a man yelling and wildly gesturing as a woman cowered at her door. In a situation like that you don’t have time to really think, you just react. I quickly grabbed my phone and called 911. I asked Nichole to take the phone so that I could get dressed and go out there. While I waited for Nichole, I watched and talked with the 911 dispatcher. Barely 30 seconds passed before a police car pulled up. Someone else had obviously already called the police. I told the dispatcher that someone was already there and hung up the phone. Nichole and I then watched as the police tried to calm the man down. They eventually left. I think the man went with them. And just like that, it was over. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. I felt terrible. I wondered if I could have prevented some suffering by doing something sooner. I thought about the boys at the shelter and how many of them had to endure more serious situations of violence and lack of safety on a regular basis in their home countries. I thought about our girls peacefully sleeping in their room and how I would gladly give my life to defend them.

            After holding Nichole until she fell asleep, I rolled over and got out of bed. I ate a bowl of cereal and read the scriptures for a while, then took our dog for her morning walk. As I came back from the walk, I noticed that the wife was standing in the doorway of her house. It was very unusual, but I thought she might have just been looking out to make sure her husband wasn’t coming back. I approached her tentatively and introduced myself. As I came closer, I realized that her husband was sitting behind the pillar facing the door. He said, “Am I being too loud again?” He then recognized me (I’ve talked with him before) and apologized. He said, “You must have been the one that called the cops. That’s good. I understand why you did. I’m not going to yell anymore, we’re just talking, trying to work things out.”  I said that I just wanted to make sure everything was ok, and looked earnestly at the wife. It was hard to read her expression but she did not seem to be at all distressed. I shook the man’s hand and let them be.

            I don’t know this man very well, but I love him. I hate what he was doing, but I love him and I want him to have the true gospel of Jesus Christ so that he can change. I imagine he feels terrible about himself. I know that I feel awful when I make mistakes, when I behave poorly. I don’t know what I can do for this family, but I want to do something. I want them to all feel safe and free and loved and full of love. Because that is how everyone should feel (good guys, bad guys, the weak and the innocent).  

Normal life update

Our little Emily is growing up! This post is a huge photo dump. But I want to kind of catch up.

 Emily is super sweet. She likes the Bumbo. She is so fun and squishy, and soft. I love her. She loves diaper changes, and always grabs onto my fingers so tight. She has the cutest little vocalizations, and her cry is starting to sound more like Abi's. (or like the way Abi's used to sound, her cry is now a horrific forced ambulance siren... it's horrible and fake) She is currently in angel baby stage, and we can't get enough of her. She loves to chew on Jeff's knuckles. and still is so calm amidst all of Abi's bombardments. Except for when it really hurts, like when Abi pokes her in the eye, or smacks her in the face with a book, or gags her with a toy flag, or lays on top of her, or bites her fingers. Yikes, poor Emily. I promise I try to protect her.

I feel like I am finally out of survival mode, and have found my new normal. It involves lots of messes, and perpetually being un showered and late, but I guess I have gotten used to it. It's not all as bad as I'm making it sound.

 We have been to quite a few fun birthday parties lately, and Abi loves them. She thinks "Happy Birthday" is a term of endearment, and all the time will go up to Emily and say "Happy Birthday Emily! Happy Birthday!" She also one day said, "Mama, I'm 2. Emily's 1." Smart girl, except for Emily is 0, for now. Well really more like 0.3, but we're saving fractions and decimal points for next year.

 Emily has the cutest little santa belly in the whole world. And the most beautiful eyes and smile.

 And Abi currently is in  a terrible two phase, and it is exhausting and I feel overwhelmed. The hardest part for me is just make sure that our relationship doesn't suffer. I have to redirect her SOOO much, that I have to really make an effort to find time to show her love and positive attention. It is so hard.

 We have been doing a series of Book Of Mormon Stories lessons for FHE, based off of the Primary song. We have learned all 8 verses. This pictures is from the 2 thousand stripling warriors story. We dressed up in our armour and had a battle.

 Watching the neighbors kids, and all the kids had to sit in their car seats.

 We have been doing a health challenge, and this was one of our free days. We went to Cold Stone Creamery and lived it up! Ice cream has never tasted so good/ made me feel so disgusting in all of my life! By the way, we took 2nd in both Health Challenges we participated in and both of us lost around 10 pounds! Woo hoo!! Jeff thinks he is in the best shape of his whole life. Yay, go Jeff!

This girls is getting more and more upright! She loves to sit up and be held. I need to savor this stage, but it is a bit awkward. She prefers to sit up, but cannot sit up by herself, so it means lugging around an 18 pound baby all day long! Oh and I need to document she is wearing 9-12 months clothing. She'll be 4 months in a couple days.

Find The Hidden Pictures!

Featured in this post you will find the following: Emily's "I'm freaking out" look, Abi's obsession with stuffed animals, the most beautiful woman in the world, my knee front and center, Emily's "I finally learned how to smile and I'm really happy!" look, Abi not crying over spilt milk, some very proud parents, Emily hiding like a ninja, Abi hanging out with her friend Summer, Emily's 3 month picture (we weighed her today and she is 17 lbs! Just 11 lbs less than Abi), Abi deciding she needed a happy nap to help herself calm down when having one of her now very frequent tantrums, Emily seeing a penguin for a first time and having her mind blown, 80's Abi or Abi from Saved by the Bell, and you may not see it but us celebrating the fact that 7 years ago today Nichole and I held hands for the first time! We lay out on our trampoline last night and looked at the stars and thought about that night. I'll never forget Nichole's romantic response to my gesture, "I smell like burned toast". I didn't smell anything. I never smell anything. Thanks for holding my hand babe!